One Seed Sown

Potato Chips

2010-01-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

While most chips do not cease to nauseate me since I had my gall bladder removed in February, I simply cannot resist Jimmy John's Salt and Vinegar chips. They are incredible.

But one thing I notice while eating them today... the best chips are always the ones that are folded over on themselves. You know- the ones that look like a chip taco. Why are these more enjoyable than other chips? An unanswerable question.

Here's an idea. I say that Frito-Lay gets together and they make a brand of chips that is made up of PURELY the chip taco shape. You open the bag of Taco Chips and BAM! You have the greatest snack ever created. Kind of like when Jelly Belly put together those bags of Belly Flops. You know... the "defective" jelly beans. The ones that got all stuck together or misshapen. I find that these are FAR more enjoyable than the simple jelly bean that is, indeed, bean shaped. I like me a jelly bean blob.

So there's my proposal, and also an example of the deep thoughts I've been mulling over on this snow day in Chicago.

Today.

2010-01-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

Today was pretty uneventful. I woke up at about 9:30 this morning, which was somewhat odd for me considering that when I usually have the opportunity to sleep in, I don't roll out of bed until about noon. I went to bed really late last night so I'm not exactly sure why I woke up so early.

Anyways... it worked out nicely because I met Justine for lunch today at 11, so I had enough time to wake up and relax a little bit before going. The lunch was nice, and it was good to catch up. The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. I got a good workout in this afternoon and took a nice long shower afterwards. I can't remember the last time I got in a really good shower... usually I'm so rushed for time that I'm in and out in like five minutes.

After that I mainly surfed the internet, blogged, and watched Glee. Is there anything better than Jane Lynch on a lazy afternoon? I don't think so. Brian has work tonight so it's just me and her for the evening!

I also caved and started a Blipfoto account. It's actually a pretty cool concept- just one photo uploaded a day, and it acts as a photo journal of the entire year. Pretty cool! I'm hoping to start when I get to Florida in nine days, but then again, what's wrong with starting tomorrow? We'll see what happens. There's nothing on the journal right now but keep checking back and I promise there'll be something there soon!

Nothing insightful to share today, really, which is I guess the reason I went out on a limb and just wrote about my day. Not as much fun, but at least I'm spending my time doing something constructive. Alyssa invited me to go shopping tomorrow, but my mom is leaving for DC tomorrow morning so I have to babysit while she's gone. I really don't need to be spending money, anyways.

Classes start tomorrow. I'm taking two online classes, but my books haven't been delivered yet, so now it's just a waiting game. I'm relieved to not have to return to Rexburg my business stats class. If it's anything like accounting... I'm doomed. Wish me luck!

Find joy in every day.

Resolutions

2010-01-03T15:54:00.000-08:00

It is now officially the third day of the year, which basically means that I am three days late in determining some New Year's Resolutions. And while we all know that they almost never come to fruition, I feel like I have a real shot at change this year. So, without any further delay, here it is. My resolutions, or, more appropriately, the world's most intense to-do list:

1. Run a half marathon. While this may seem odd to those of you who know me (I notoriously HATE running.), this represents a new chapter in my life. In this new chapter, I choose to only do those things which I dislike, with the notion that I will become Super-Woman.

2. Lose the rest of the weight. I lost about half of it with just about... enough left to lose until I finally reach perfect happiness.

3. Shop less, save more. Macy's will miss me, but something tells me that it's not as much as I will miss Macy's right back. Budgeting will have to become my new friend, and although the perks will not be as sparkly or wearable, I gather that they will make me feel just as good. (Maybe. It's hard to beat the feeling of wearing new shoes for the first time.)

4. Practice piano more. I took lessons for years. You'd think I'd be better at it.

5. Learn guitar. I tried once... but it didn't work out so well. I don't fail at things, so a second try is an order so my record remains untarnished.

6. Blog more. I don't write nearly enough. Ditto to journaling.

7. Take more pictures. There's something so incredible about capturing a moment on film; you really feel a part of it, and it becomes a part of you.

8. Ban all negative thoughts. No more negativity! Adversity and the world brings enough of it into my life- I don't need to add to it with my thoughts, too.

9. Find more to smile about. There's so much unhappiness in the world- no need for me to be a part of it.

10. Learn to love myself without shame. I often feel like I'm being self-centered when I think good things about myself, or that I'm jinxing myself when I accomplish something great and I try to take credit for it instead of saying that it was luck, or fate, or a fluke. I am capable of so much good- it's time I start recognizing it. No good can come of holding myself back.

11. Keep in touch with others. It's something I'm so incredibly bad at! I love people so easily, but keeping up relationships despite distance is not one of my talents.

12. Cook a new dish at least once a week. Cooking is something I really enjoy, and I need to broaden my horizons a bit. Mac & cheese three times a week just ain't cutting it!

13. Don't take no for an answer. This is something I've really never had problems with, but over the last few years, it's been harder and harder to just ignore when someone tells me, "No," or, "You're just not good enough." I AM good enough. Maybe not to that person, but to someone out there, I AM good enough, but if I don't keep putting myself out there, I ruin all chance that I ever find the person who will finally say, "Yes." So. I will stop taking no for an answer. If I want something bad enough, I'll just keep saying yes.

14. Lift someone else up every day. I realized that I'm really good at noticing people's qualities and all the good things about a person. There's no reason I shouldn't share that with others. Making people feel good about themselves, even for a second, is such a blessing.

15. Continue to work out everyday (except Sundays). I've built up this incredible habit since April, and despite the huge effort it sometimes requires, it's ultimately enriched my life. My only fear is that someday there will come a time where I lose it or don't have time for it. It's a part of who I am, and not something I intend on abandoning.

16. Don't sweat the small stuff. A case can be made that it's all small stuff and well... I intend to live life day to day from now on. No need to live in stress and unhappiness anymore. Every day is a new opportunity to find joy.

Well... I think that's it for now! I've got quite a year ahead of me! What resolutions are you making for yourself this year?

Water Wands

2009-12-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

There's something very distinctive about shower heads, and they can really effect your quality of life. For example, my shower head in Rexburg was very low, and nearly touched my head when I went to wash the shampoo out of my hair. Not only that, but it was EXTREMELY loud and had the fire power of one of those nozzles you put on the end of your garden hose. It was perfect, because it washed the shampoo out of my hair quickly, which is a valuable quality to have in my opinion. Lot of hair= a lot of shampoo= a lot of suds. You can see why this is important.

However, here at home, the shower head is about ten stories above my head and has two settings. TWO, PEOPLE! The first trickles down like a light rain. This is very relaxing, however, it takes me at least twice as long to banish the Herbal Essences from my tresses. Not only is this a waste of time, but it's also kind of frustrating. The second setting on the shower head is like a Super Soaker. It has the strength of a power washer and I'm pretty sure if you stood beneath it long enough, it would strip the skin right off your body. So... drizzle setting it is.

I'm know I'm not the only one out there who is shower head specific. Every time you shower in a different location, the experience is different and can alter the course of your day. Personally, my favorite shower head is one of the ones that acts as a regular shower head, but then you can unhook it from the wall and use it as a "water wand" and wash the rest of your body. These usually have about a million settings and are highly convenient.

I know this is a little bit different from the rest of my posts, but I felt that this serious matter should finally be discussed in an open forum.

Escape.

2009-12-12T01:09:00.000-08:00

Something is alight in me... it's hard to explain. But I just can't seem to attain any feeling of satisfaction or accomplishment as of late. I feel very mediocre.

No matter my failures, I've always seemed to be able to keep up the hope that it just wasn't my time to be a winner. I kept up my confidence to a level that allowed me to keep trying, keep auditioning, keep reaching, in no matter what it was. My failures never really hit me or affected me. They never kept me from getting up and trying again.

But now, all I seem to have all my failures. That hope I used to hold is gone. There's a part of me that feels like my time is past... and I wasted it. I was always hoping for the next thing. I was always hoping that someday someone would say that I was good enough. That's over now. There is no more hoping; there is no more trying.

But at the same time I simply cannot shake the feeling that there's still something else out there for me. Like maybe I don't have to sit by and watch other people live out my dreams. What if there's more to my life than this? How can I keep living like this when it's so blatantly unsatisfying?

I have the bug of ambition, and sometimes it feels like a curse, particularly when I feel sub par. I'm not the most talented person in the world. I know that. But there's no time that I feel more joy than when I'm singing or when I'm on the dance floor. There's no better feeling than that. How can I just ignore it? How can I simply put all of that aside and focus my life on things that seem so bland and inconsequential? I spent my entire life singing and dancing. How can I just turn my back on it?

I still take dance classes, yes, but it's not the same. It was never just a hobby for me, or something to do for fun. It was my LIFE. And even since I was little, singing and music played an integral part in my life. I used to spend every night listening to a Kermit the Frog & Friends sing me to sleep. The only way I would go to sleep as a baby was if someone sang to me. And ask anyone who knows me... family, friends... whoever. You know me for five seconds and you know that I can't just keep a song to myself. It's like this bubble of warmth builds up in my chest and I have to let it out. It's a part of who I am- an integral part of my soul. It's indescribable and inescapable. I could never try to change it even if I wanted to, but singing is the one thing that never fails to make me feel whole again, if only just for a while. I can't suppress it; it's like breathing.

So what the HECK am I doing? Why am I trying to ignore these things? Why am I trying to be something I'm not? Why am I filling my life with things that so clearly make me unhappy? There's not a moment when I feel joy or contentment like I feel it when I open my mouth and sing. There's not a moment in my life that's as satisfying as when I'm on the dance floor. It's where I belong; it's where I feel at home. I can't let that go.

There's this fire inside of me, and every time I dance or hum a tune, it's fueled. It gets stronger, and the stronger it gets, the more I realize that it's what I want. The life I'm leading now is just so... wrong. And I can keep doing the "smart" thing, or I can do what I know in my heart is right for me. Somewhere along the line... I got on the wrong path. Somewhere, I lost sight of what life is about. I forgot about all the things I believed in, like taking chances and always going after what you wanted no matter how many times you failed along the way. How did I let this happen? And a better question: how do I fix it?

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I know it's not this. There's something inside me that is growing and needs to find escape.

Waiting.

2009-11-29T02:24:00.000-08:00

Maybe this is a continuation of previous entries, but I don't care. There's something that must be discussed.

I live in a constant state of waiting. Seriously. As I lay on the couch in my apartment watching a Grey's Anatomy rerun, (Don't judge. I love this show.) I realize that I am constantly waiting for something, as if the life I am presently living is not worth noticing. I am waiting for school to end. I am waiting to see Brian and my family and friends again. I am waiting for Christmas to come.I am waiting for the Disney College Program to start.

And as I think about all the things I'm waiting for... I can't help but wonder what it is I'm truly waiting for. I've always lived my life this way. It isn't just a passing phase- since I could remember, I've always been waiting for the next big thing. The next event in my life. But once it comes to pass or once it's over... I just move on to the next thing, as though the waiting is the sole thing keeping me going. And maybe it is.

But how is this healthy? How is this anywhere close to normal? I'm always waiting for the next event as though my life will change and get better. Sometimes it's true but sometimes... it's not. And life doesn't change. Then what? Just on to the next thing? On to hoping that someday, at some point, my life is going to start and things are going to change? And maybe, on a deeper level, I'm hoping that my past will disappear, that the things that still haunt me will go away because things in the present have changed? Very realistic.

I think the real problem here is that I haven't learned how to live. I mean, yes, I've done so many things in my life, more than most could ever dream of, but I never stop to enjoy it. I never stop to just live in the moment. I've always been working towards the next big thing: the next project, the next vacation, the next school year, the next step of my life, the next dance recital, the next test, the next date, the next nap. No matter what it was, I was just always working so hard and focusing so hard because I thought that whatever was coming was going to improve my life. It's always been about what's up next. The last 20 years of my life have always been about the future. And so, I feel doomed that the next 20, or the next 40, or however long I live, will just be about the future, and then I'll get to the end of my life... and have nothing. Nothing to wait for, and nothing to look back on but a bunch of "nexts."

How much have a missed because of this? And how many opportunities to live in the moment have I missed because I was so focused on the next thing? I've waited my life away. But I'm addicted. How can I make it stop? Am I just so unhappy with the way things are that I can't bear to live in the moment I'm living? Does my happiness depend on the hope that things will be better if I just make it to that next milestone, that next event? It almost never is. Or at least, it never lasts. Things get better, and then they go back to exactly the way they were. Probably because in order for my life to really change, I myself would have to change, instead of trying to change my surroundings or circumstances.

And it doesn't matter how many times I recognize this in myself. I can't stop. I can't stop waiting. I can't stop counting down. I'm stuck, waiting for things to change. Waiting, waiting, waiting. And maybe they will get better- that hope is all I have to keep me going.

Redundant, But Necessary.

2009-11-27T01:47:00.000-08:00

I've been surfing blogger and all the blogs I follow for the last hour or so and there seems to be a trend... everyone's talking about what they're grateful for. It got really boring really fast because everyone seemed to say the same three things:
family
friends
food

It made me stop and think- we're all so similar that we are all grateful for the same three things. It's great and everything- those are probably in my top ten, too. I'm not an exception to this rule. However, I had no intentions of writing my first blog in a month and a half about the things I'm grateful for. I am grateful for them, but I feel it's a little redundant. Everyone's doing it- how special is it then, if it's the status quo? If everyone's doing it, then no one's doing it.

It was these cynical thoughts that made me think that maybe I needed to make that list. Maybe I needed to really think about all the things I'm grateful for. I've been so wrapped up in the inner workings of the craziness that has become my life that I've stopped being really grateful for the things that aren't so crazy in my life. I need some reason to think positively about my life again- I need to find the things that make my life worth living and really recognize them for what they are. So, yes, here is my list. I've included pictures because, well, maybe I'm following the trend, but at least I'll entertain your eyes while doing it.

1. My family. Yes, they drive me crazy half the time. Yes, I drive them crazy half the time. But they're still my family and despite all reason, I still need them.

2. My boyfriend. It feels weird calling him that sometimes, because he means so much more to me than just that. It seems like an understatement. But whatever I call him, he's still the best thing that ever happened to me, and the only person who understands and loves me fully.

3. My brothers. I don't love them more than my other siblings, but they're just so darn cute!

4. Roommates. They rock.

5. Disney Collge Program. It hasn't even started, but I'm already so incredibly excited! I'm living my dream- I'm going to do all that I've ever wanted. I can't ask for anything more than that.

6. Disney World. Thanks for providing me with a lifetime's worth of memories, and for being the one thing I can always count on.

7. P90X. It gave me a whole new lease on life, and I'll love it till the day I die!

8. Glee, and Entertainment Weekly. Even better, Glee being on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

9. My favorite lotion. Thanks for making me smell great and for making my skin soft.

10. Cap'n Crunch Berry. He kept me great company on Thanksgiving- thanks, Cap'n. Even though he's not an official Maritime Officer, he does the job just fine.

As Dreamers Do

2009-10-04T03:33:00.000-07:00

The joy that a simple lyric can instill is sometimes completely mysterious to me. How is it that a simple riff, memory, photograph, phrase, or scent can cause one's mood to shift, or their day improve? For me, When You Wish Upon A Star has this effect on me, no matter who is singing it or what instrumental arrangement may be playing. It seems that no matter the disaster, no matter the moment, whenever I hear this song, or even just a few notes from it, everything is better. Life is more beautiful, people are nicer, problems seem smaller, and futures seem brighter. This simple tune of only three stanzas lifts the spirit. It allows me to keep dreaming, to keep going even when the going gets tough.

The song is so attached to the most blissful of childhood memories and the happiest of places. When I hear this song, I can't help but tear up, feel my heart expand within my chest, and remember back to the times when I was most happy- the times when I was with my family and we were perfectly blissful. We share this one common thing between all of us. Sometimes I wonder how we could all possibly be so different, so strong willed and all in the same family. Who knew? Maybe it's necessary in a family so large. I don't know. Sometimes I think God put us all together for a good laugh- as some kind of social experiment. Then again, in some cosmic and unexplainable way, there's no doubt that the 11 people in my family absolutely need each other. I know that we'd fall apart without each other.

Yet, despite our differences and petty grievances against one another, we all share this one common thing. This common love. Disney World has provided us with a constant home- a place that we can always return to no matter where we are, what distances are separating us, or what events may be tearing us apart. It brings us together and provides us with a way to love each other without limit, without complaint or bias, without error or anger. This common love keeps us alive, keeps us going. I find great comfort in the fact that it's the one constant in my life- the one thing I can always return to and know with a perfect knowledge that everything will be ok.

In short, yes. I can say without a doubt that a majority of the most important moments in my life can be marked by one song, by one simple phrase, and, more so, by a place. The song represents the one place where I have always been able to find happiness and an escape from reality. Or, rather, has provided me with an alternative reality. The possibility that perhaps in a different world or in someone else's life, things really are that wonderful. Or maybe that perfection and bliss lies somewhere in the future for me. Either way, it gives me hope. A beautiful and unwavering hope. And maybe in some universe, in some way, all it comes down to is wishing on a star. Wishing with perfect faith and hope that maybe someday there's the possibility of something better, something that will change everything. And perhaps maybe all it takes is a wish to make a life better.

True Love

2009-09-20T01:59:00.000-07:00

As an eternally great fictional character once said, "This is true love. Do you think this happens everyday?"

Late night movies are always great, especially classics like the Princess Bride. My roommate Danielle had never watched it (GASP!), so graciously I introduced her to the greatness that is Cary Elwes. And as Westley said this great one-liner in the beginning of the film as he says good bye to Buttercup, I started to wonder about true love.

For instance- how many movies have we all seen where true love is assumed and shared between the leading man and woman? And how many times, even when it is not claimed aloud, have we as an audience presumed it? How many times have we automatically assumed that he belongs with her and only her, despite only "knowing" them for an hour and a half? Do we really walk into a movie and immediately search for true love within the story? Are we that desperate for it, or have we been groomed as a society to expect it?

More concerning, do we always assume it in real life? Is this what we are all searching for? The end-all be-all? Is there nothing that matters more? If aliens were to only know about humans through our films, I'm sure they would think we were purely concentrated on the finding of true love.

Not to slam true love, of course. By all means, it's a beautiful thing, and I do believe in it. As a girl raised on Disney and the belief that there's someone for everyone, I must be honest and say that for a large part of my life, it has been the main focus of my existence. I feel very fortunate that I found my true love so early on in life. I feel fortunate that I was raised in a home that allowed me to believe in true love.

But what exactly defines true love? Is there a certain determining factor, or is it different for everyone? Do we all just assume that every love is true love, or is there truly just One, or is there only One for some people? Are only some people granted the blessing of true love, while others are subjected to just plain old love, or nothing at all? True love seems a whole lot more common and a lot less special if it's given to everyone.

It could be argued, however, that it's one of the crucial reasons God sent us here. Not just to find true love, but to learn how to deal with it once you've found it. One thing I AM certain of is that it's not a fairy tale forever. There are fairy tale moments, but there are also those holy-crap-this-sucks moments. But are we the ones who determine whether or not we have them and how often? Is there really any way to avoid annoyance and anger in a relationship? Does having those moments and feelings take away the title of true love? Are we no longer worthy? I digress.

I think that we each individually believe in our own form of true love. For some, true love can be found in a musician. For some, it can be found in a good workout or a fabulous dress. It can be found in a great book or movie, in family, in the joys of friendship or simply in a day when nothing goes wrong. For me, true love lies in a man, in my roommates, great music, and in my crazy family. I believe that true love is something that can't be broken- it's unchanging, beautiful, life-altering and insane.

But is true love really as rare as Westley claims? It seems that we each individually think that we are the sole people on the planet who discover it, despite its eternal existence and its repeated demonstration in dozens of chick flicks. We all feel like we're unique, yet we're really all the same. I could go further with that thought, but I'm not going to go there tonight.

True love does happen every day, in many forms, shapes, and sizes. Maybe Westley just meant that true love doesn't happen to each person everyday. It happens every so often, maybe just once in a lifetime, and it's our duty to treasure it, protect it, and fight for it.

True love exists, but do we have the courage to embrace it?

Passion

2009-09-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not it's possible to want or love something too much. Some people are labeled as "passionate" in what would be considered a platonic but no less obsessive way. We all know someone in our lives who would be called "passionate." Until the last few days, I've always considered passionate people to be some of the luckiest people. They really seem to know the world around them and know exactly how they feel about something or someone. They are unwavering in how they feel and what they think.

Over the last two weeks, I've been anxiously waiting to hear back from the Disney College Program. I applied in August and had my interview on August 31st. The interviewer told me I should find out their decision in 3-4 weeks and at the time, I was so excited because I was convinced that time would fly by quickly and I'd be accepted without a doubt. But as we all know, time is a fickle thing, and it can really change the way you perceive something.

After obsessive Googling of DCP and the endless reading of blogs about people's varied experiences with the program, I have instilled in myself an extreme doubt of what results I'm going to receive in the mail within the next week or two. I never considered the possibility of denial into the program until now, and I never considered how long these 3-4 weeks would actually feel. I feel so ridiculous running out to the mailbox every morning in my pajamas, my hair and makeup completely and embarrassingly mussed.

This obsession has caused me to wonder, though. Do I care too much? Am I setting myself up for a huge blow? Most likely, yes. I've never wanted anything more than this in my whole life- nothing. Out of all the goals I've set for myself and of all the different things I've pursued, this is IT. This is THE ONE, and I know I'm perfect for it. I was made to do this. I was born for it, and I've planned on it for years. I've prepared and educated myself and I know everything there is to know about DCP. I wasn't even this nervous about getting into college to be honest, and it's all because I'm much too passionate. I care far too much and therefore, if I am denied, I'm going to have some serious issues to work out with myself. Can you say complete failure?

So I repeat: is there really such a thing as caring too much? Have I gone too far, or am I just playing into my Type A, goal-oriented personality? Am I staying true to myself or have I let myself fly wildly out of control? Where is the line between focused and overly-passionate?

In some instances, passion has served people right. That passion has driven them to success and has encouraged them to work as hard as possible to attain those dreams. I know that I can't expect to have success or see my dreams come true if I'm not willing to work hard, but I feel like there's nothing left that I can do to attain this goal. It's all out of my hands and it's driving me crazy! There's just so many variables involved with this that are completely out of my control. It's a very uncomfortable position to be in. (Refer to Type A habits.)

The conclusion I've reached is that maybe I need to accept whatever happens, and that it's all in God's hands. And even though I know it's in His hands, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. The thing that I need to do is to just let go- the time to obsess and work hard has passed. I've done all that I can do and now I just have to wait. The time to create an optimal situation for this goal to be reached is over, and all I can do now is just accept that whatever I did prior to now is all I can do. There's no changing things now. The only thing I have control over is how I handle the results and how I handle this endless period of limbo. Endless, endless, endless waiting.

Pray for me.

The 1/2 Cup Smoothie

2009-09-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

Now, keeping with the theme of the blog- that I am one seed sown- I've decided to include you on a little tidbit of how I'm striving to keep healthy so that this seed can bloom one day! Normally I would include this on my other blog, but I'll share on this one today as well.

I've come across the ultimate breakfast food- it takes about five minutes to prepare tops, is filling, healthy, and DELISH. I highly recommend it! I've always been a smoothie supporter, so over the summer I perfected this recipe. Enjoy!

The 1/2 Cup Smoothie

1/2 cup non-fat plain yogurt
1/2 cup skim milk
1/2 cup frozen strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
2 spoonfuls of Splenda

Put strawberries in a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds so that they blend nicely. Otherwise, you'll end up with smoothie mixed with chunks of strawberry. Not as appetizing. Once they are softened slightly (but still cold), mix the strawberries and all other ingredients in a Magic Bullet (or blender if you don't have one) and blend until you've reached your ideal consistency. Pour into a glass and enjoy!

The reason I love this recipe is not only because I invented it, but because it's delicious and EASY to remember! All you need is a blender of some sort, a 1/2 cup measurement, and a spoon. So simple. For the busy (and somewhat lazy) college student, it's the perfect jumpstart to the day, especially after the late night.

PS.... if anyone wants to buy me my own Magic Bullet, feel free. I officially adore this piece of equipment. I won't always get to bum one off Anna!

Wisdom Gleaned From a Big Mac

2009-09-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight, my roommates and I decided to go crazy and hit up all the fast food joints in town. While we were busy confusing the poor drive-thru guy at McDonald's (aka heaven), I had a thought come to me.

Earlier in the evening, my beautiful roommate Janae bounded into the living room, followed by Anna, Josie, and Emma, all of whom were ecstatically gabbing about our upcoming adventure. Upon looking down at her outfit of running tights and a tee, Janae suddenly looked fearful.

"Are we getting out of the car? Is anyone going to see me?" We told her no and not to worry about it, and we proceeded to run out of the house and load into Anna's car.

It was those two little questions- questions that we have all asked each other a million times- that caused me to consider the following.

Why is it that we are so concerned with the way we look when we know that we are probably never going to see any of the people around us ever again? Janae knew that we didn't care what she looked like- we'd love her even if she decided to wear a burlap sack. She wasn't concerned about what we thought- she was concerned with what strangers would think. How many times have we each had this same fear? How many times have we dressed for total and complete strangers? And as any girl will tell you, we don't dress for boys- we dress for other girls.

On paper, this makes absolutely zero sense. So, I propose the following. We should not feel obligated to dress for each other any more. Let's grab the opportunity in front of us! Liberation!

The great thing about being in college is that about 90% of the people you see and meet, you will never see again. So not only does this mean that we are more free to be ourselves, but we are also more free to wear and look like whatever we want. It's a beautiful thing. Why don't we take advantage of this more often? I know that I am absolutely guilty of this. Maybe I should take my own advice sometime.

From a different perspective, however, I know that when I get dressed up and spend time on my hair, I feel better about myself. I am proud of the way I look and I feel great about it! But how many of us honestly dress up purely for ourselves? Really? I think that this is the only legitimate excuse (besides going to church) for us women to spend so much time being concerned about our looks. Completely and totally for our own enjoyment and self-esteem.

Thoughts?

Gotta repent right NOW!

2009-09-07T16:20:00.001-07:00

So a couple of weeks ago I was sitting on my porcelain throne when an odd thought occurred to me. I like to imagine that it was divine intervention, or perhaps that I am a super genius and that great ideas just come to me by nature.

You see, I have discovered possibly the greatest analogy to ever be created:

Repentance is like going to the bathroom.

Yes, I'm totally serious. Before you think I'm a complete loser or before you repent all over yourself from laughing too hard, please allow me a moment to explain:

You see, repentance is best when you do it right away. So is going to the bathroom. If you wait too long to do either one, it is highly uncomfortable and possibly dangerous to your health. When you repent, you feel so much better after wards. Like a weight has been lifted. The same can be said for using the crapper. Every successful trip to the toilet ends in relief and joy. Seriously- who can say they don't feel great after tending to nature's call?

Repentance is just as important as having a regular bowel movement everyday. Without either of them, we cannot expect to live normal lives or have happily ever afters. We must be as accountable and attentive to God as we are to our bladders and colons.

This said, go repent, and don't forget to flush!

Chronic Pain

2009-07-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I severely burned my arm at work. The skin melted right off, so I went to the immediate care center to get all bandaged up. I have to put on this nasty cream stuff and keep it covered with gauze, but other than that I'm going to be fine. Scarred, yes, but other than that totally fine.

There is a constant sting from the burn, and made me remember something from my high school psych class. Apparently, the brain protects itself from going crazy by kind of "getting used" to constant pain. It doesn't actively register chronic pain. While you are still aware that it is there, the brain is able to protect itself by kind of ignoring it, just like if you are in a noisy room, the brain tunes out the noise instead of actively registering the constant noise, which would make you go crazy. The brain tunes out the pain. This theory got me thinking. Why is it that the brain can tune out physical pain, but not emotional pain?

I can burn myself and slice my finger open as badly as I like and I'm still able to continue functioning because I "get used" to the pain, but when I'm sad or mad about something, why can't I just tune out those feelings? Why can't I just get used to it? Isn't there a way for us to ignore sadness? Perhaps this is why so many people deal with depression; humans cannot tune out emotional pain. I think that the human species as a whole would be far better off if they could.

And while doing some light research on the subject in preparation for writing this blog, I came across this article. Apparently chronic physical pain can permanently harm the brain. So while the brain can "ignore" chronic pain, the brain still suffers. I believe this to hold true not only for physical pain but also for emotional pain. Constant emotional pain or depression most certainly harms the brain, or rather, the person. Their personality, their habits, their way of life, their interactions with others. Chronic pain changes a person- permanently and almost alwaysfor the worse.

But why is this? Wouldn't the world be a better place if this weren't true? Maybe not better, but certainly more pleasant. And while there is great reason to believe that growth can be accomplished in these states of woe, is it really worth it? Sometimes I'm just not sure. Maybe it would be better if we could just ignore it all together, and even better if we never felt that way at all.

Just a thought.

An Attitude of Gratitude

2009-07-18T08:58:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Anna and Jason Mraz for inspiring this list... you are the best. :)

An Attitude of Gratitude- A List of Things I Am Eternally Grateful For

1. Flat pillows. I hate fluffy pillows, so I am always grateful for a nice, flat one to rest my head upon. You make sleeping my favorite activity.
2. Victoria's Secret. Not only do you provide me with high-quality underthings, you also have the everlasting ability to make me feel gorgeous at any weight. Thanks especially for your Secret Embrace Wave Push-Up Bra. It is the best thing to happen to bra innovation.
3. Brian. You continue to love me despite my insanity. You must be a saint.
4. Anna. You pulled me out of the ocean when I was drowning in a sea of diarrhea. Thanks for loving me.
5. Nivea Body's Good-bye Cellulite Lotion. You make my thighs look twelve years younger and fifty pounds lighter.
6. My mom. 19 years of raising me and she's still not crazy. No lesser woman could have accomplished this.
7. Forgiveness. Thank you to parents, friends, Brian, coworkers, banks, and God for continually forgiving me, despite my unworthiness.
8. The church. Where in the heck would I be without it?
9. True Blue Spa products. You banish away my stretch marks and lovingly lavish my skin. Thanks for making me feel special. You have the power to make me feel hot on days that I'm not.
10. Little brothers. You are the song of my heart. Thanks for motivating me to exercise every day and for making me want to come home.
11. My job. Though it may suck at times, I am still grateful to have one.
12. Disney World. You make everything seem possible. You continuously inspire me to dream and have given me a lifetime's worth of memories. Thanks for helping me to believe.
13. Summer. You relieve me and give me a fresh start. I couldn't live through the drudgery that is winter without you. You took a broken woman and made her whole again. Your powers of healing are still a mystery to me.
14. Jason Mraz. May your music live on forever. There is nothing better than driving on a summer's day with the windows down, your music flying through the air around me. Thanks for always being there to lift me up.
15. P90X. You have changed my life this summer. Thanks for kicking my butt every day- and making me come back for more.
16. Billy Mays. Even in your death, you continue to change lives with the power of OxiClean.
17. Towels fresh out of the dryer. I don't think I have to explain this one.
18. Great television. Thank you to Arrested Development, Grey's Anatomy, Ugly Betty, The Office, 30 Rock, House, Glee, Boy Meets World, Psych, Pushing Daisies, and Dancing With the Stars. You made all those nights alone in Rexburg not so dismal.
19. Apple Products. Thank you for not sucking.
20. Headbands. You keep the hair out of my face in the cutest of ways. I hate having hair in my face, so thank you for keeping me sane.

I think 20 items ought to do for now. There are thousands more, but I will leave it here for now. What are you grateful for?

As Good As It Gets

2009-07-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

Up late... gotta be up for work in no less than two hours and ten minutes. All well. Can't sleep. So here I am, blogging for the first time in forever. As a tiny little update, I am happier than ever. Things are going beautifully in my life and I couldn't be more grateful for each day. I'm only sad that the summer is going to be over in two months. I dread the day I leave. Is it possible to be so unbelievably, so perfectly and gloriously happy in one place? (A place other than Disney World, at least?) Maybe it's not the place. No. It's the people, for sure. Being with people who love you unconditionally is the best medicine, the best source of joy.

Brian is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. He is a far more beautiful person than I could ever deserve. How could one person turn everything in your life completely around? I suppose this is the closest it gets to having Heaven on Earth. We do need each other. No man can survive as an island. Maybe Heaven is just a place where you can always be with the one you love.

The summer has been filled with so much happiness, I don't even know where to begin. But I feel as though things are finally evening out for me. Every day just shows that God is fair. He's not going to deal you crap for forever... He'll pay you back eventually. He's like the world's best stock. Invest in Him, and you'll always get your money's worth. You'll always get more back than that which you put in. And when the stock goes down, don't worry. It'll go back up. It'll be higher than ever before. Just wait it out. He'll take care of you.

I'm still trying to figure out what the purpose was for this last year. Yes, it has in fact been a year since the crap hit the fan. July 10th, to be exact. July 10th of last year was the specific day when everything started to go downhill for me. Anyways... so the last year was rough. Ok. Now, what's the lesson here? What was the purpose? I'm looking for a reason for all the crap I had to go through. Why all at once? Why at all? Maybe I won't know until the end of my life. (Please let that be somewhere FAR down the line. ) Maybe I won't know until after I die. (Please no. That would suck.) I just don't like waiting. I'd really like to know. Maybe the lesson here is patience.

I guess it doesn't really matter now that things are going so beautifully. Maybe I should just let it go and concentrate on enjoying this amazing summer while it lasts. And for the most part, I have let it go, but there are still times when I look back on the last year and I break down. I feel cloudy and gray again. There are still days when I feel like the memories from the past year are going to swallow me up whole. I can't take it. I can't handle remembering- sometimes I dream of forgetting. Other times I fear that this coming year will be more of the same. And while this would surely push me to my limit, I have to remember that God is fair, and will pay me back in full... Right?

Anna's Tag

2009-06-21T14:29:00.001-07:00

So Anna tagged me for this, and since she is a blogger newbie, I'll oblige her. :)
I changed "4 things I love about my husband" to "4 things I love about my almost husband."

4 things I love about my almost husband:
1. His always-great attitude and his commitment to always making the right choices.
2. His complete openness about his desires for a future with me.
3. The fact that he seems to love everything about me- even the stupid stuff and the things that I don't even like about myself.
4. His great smile and hot bod ;)

4 Movies I would watch more than once:
1. The Emperor's New Groove
2. Any Disney movie
3. Sex and the City
4. Atonement

4 favorite TV shows:
1. Arrested Development
2. Ugly Betty
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Boy Meets World

4 Places I have been:
1. Singapore/ Malaysia
2. Bahamas
3. Europe: England, France, Germany, Ireland, and Spain
4. Japan

4 People who email me regularly: (Who e-mails anymore???)
1. BYU-Idaho (Those bi-weekly e-mails are THE WORST)
2. Victoria's Secret
3. Facebook
4. Weight Watchers

4 Favorite Foods:
1. Fried Chicken
2. McDonald's French Fries & Ice Cream Cones
3. Diet Dr. Pepper
4. Pizza Hut P'Zones (the reason I am where I am today.)

4 Places I would like to visit:
1. Scotland
2. Italy
3. Caribbean
4. Norway (Because the Norway ride at Disney World- "Maelstrom"- is freakin' sweet. Well, at least, I think it is.)

4 Things I am looking forward to this coming year:
1. Living with Anna!
2. Hitting my goal weight!
3. Applying for the Disney College Program!
4. The end of my time at Dunkin' Donuts!

What's ya hurry?

2009-06-17T16:57:00.001-07:00

I was recently pulled over. Twice. In one day. In fact, twice within 15 minutes. How does this happen, one may ask? Well, I'll tell you. Lead foot. Speeding. Not paying attention. Wanna know the worst part about it?

I wasn't even running late.

So WHY in the world was I speeding? Good question. No clue. But, there is a lesson to be learned from all of this.

I was speeding without reason. I wasn't running late, I wasn't speeding for the thrill, I was just in a hurry. And not because I was EXCITED about going to work, either. I just sped because I could, I guess. The phrase, "Slow down and smell the roses," comes to mind. But not just in this instance. I'm finding that this phrase can be applied to every aspect of my life these days. Maybe this is just a lesson that I needed to learn, and God chose to use a ticket to teach it.

I have been spreading myself too thin in the past month. Trying to do it all is no easy task, and it's no intelligent task, either. Working over 50 hours a week, plus exercising every day, plus helping out the family, plus keeping up a relationship with Brian and friends, plus trying to get in a few hours of sleep every day... let me tell you, the strain is starting to show. This Monday, I tried pulling 15 hours at work, starting at 4 AM and ending at 10 PM with three hours break between shifts. During this break, I went out to lunch with a friend and stopped at home for some fresh clothes. No time to breathe, just go go go. For those of you who know me well, you know that this type of behavior is normal for me. BUT... exhaustion set in around 1:30 pm, and I ended up rear-ending someone on my way to second shift. Not good. If I hadn't gotten the "smell the roses" message before, it was being screamed at me now.

So. Did I listen? Kind of. Not really. I went on to work after the accident and stayed until 9. I still pushed myself too far. But for future notice.... I will not be doing this again. If I have a day off, I'm not going to try to pick up an extra shift at work or fill up my day with things that aren't that important. I need to give myself time to smell those roses!

The moral of this story is, slow down. Take time to breathe. Enjoy life. What's ya hurry? We only get one chance to live each second. Make the most of it. As an homage to my previous post, cream cheese on a bagel is no good if it's spread too thin.

Spread it like cream cheese on a bagel

2009-06-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted to this blog in a while... been so crazy busy, but so very happy and grateful.

Take a moment and smile at someone today. Not just a half grin and a brief glance. A full on, toothy, cheek-busting, skin-wrinkling smile. Look someone straight in the eye and just dish them a grand ole smile. Who knows what kind of day they're having, or how long it's been since someone looked them in the eye and made them feel important. Take a moment to brighten someone else's day, whether it be with a smile or with a heart-felt, "How are you doing today? " Spread the love, and it will come right back to you.

Living Vicariously

2009-05-11T10:20:00.001-07:00

Saturday was a GREAT day... my good friend Jessica Wilson participated in the Harvard Milk Days Queen Pageant. She looked soooo beautiful! She did great, and I was very impressed with her. I got to live vicariously a little bit, and found that I missed doing pageants much more than I had anticipated. Can't wait to do the McHenry County pageant in August! Anyways... it was just an incredible evening, spent with some of my favorite people, with me getting to live through Jessica a little bit. Our friend Janice Kinder is doing the McHenry City pageant in June, which I am sooo excited for! I just love it.

Oh and ps, finally found a real job today. Dunkin' Donuts on rt. 31! Yay! Things are looking farther and farther up every day- gotta love summer! :)

Appreciation

2009-05-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

I was watching Night at the Museum for the first time today, and I'm sorry to say that it took me FOREVER to figure out the Robin Williams plays Teddy Roosevelt. I'm usually so good at the "name that star" game. Where is my head? How could I not recognize the Genie's voice??? It was a sad moment.

I love my brothers more than anything on the planet, and lucky me gets to spend every single morning with the youngest, Daniel. When I wake up in the morning, he is always so happy to see me. He puts on this HUGE smile and yells, "KATEY!!! YOU'RE AWAKE!" I suspect that he's genuinely surprised to see me every day, like he expects to just get up one day and I won't be there. But it's great. We watch TV or a movie together and then we exercise together every day. It's truly the greatest gift. I love spending time with him. And then on Wednesday nights, I get to spend time with Danny and Johnny, which is just so much fun. I make them dinner and then we just veg out and cuddle. I missed them so much while I was away. I never get tired of being with them. (Daniel is the top picture and Johnny is the bottom picture.)

Thanks, Jason.

2009-05-06T00:25:00.000-07:00

May I just say that there is nothing better than driving around town on a sunny day with the windows rolled down, your hand sticking out the window, and the sounds of Jason Mraz filling the air around you? I was nearly euphoric this afternoon as I took in the beauty of this sunny Cinco De Mayo with my favorite musician blaring in the background. One of the happiest afternoons I've ever had. It reminded me of other perfect summers, spent riding around with friends and lying on the sand at the lake.

Worth It

2009-05-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Things are great and beautiful. I haven't felt this alive in such a long time... it's a weird and euphoric feeling. Sometimes I forget about the past year. Sometimes I can pretend it never happened.

I remember the last eight months in shades of gray... kind of like a black and white movie, only without a happy ending, without the romantic leads. For whatever reason, when I call upon the memories of live in Rexburg, Idaho, the memories are always in dreary shades of gray and it's usually raining in the scenes in my head. I have no idea why- it's not as though these recollections are accurate in this respect, but that's how I remember them.

I think maybe I remember those days this way because I felt gray and rainy. Every day was the same and there was no sun, no happiness. No warmth or sense of joy. Maybe it was just me that was gray and rainy, not Rexburg itself. I think I even started to look a little gray, at least to myself. I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person I saw. There was no life, no color in her. I don't even feel like that was really me. I wouldn't see my reflection and think that it was me. I didn't really see me at all.

But here... it's so different. I remember it in bright colors and warm breezes. I remember music flying through the air and I remember smiling just because I was alive. Those memories are back now. I wake up in the morning excited the be living and excited that I am lucky enough to have just one more day of happiness.

I don't take my family or friends for granted anymore, either. What a difference it makes to live and be with people who genuinely love and care about you! What a difference it makes to only be around people who know everything about you and still love you despite your weaknesses! I never realized what a difference it can make. I never appreciated it until I didn't have it, and now having it back is more than I ever could have asked for. It has made a 180 in my life. I feel happy EVERY DAY. I feel grateful and blessed EVERY DAY. Being around people who love and care about me unconditionally is truly the breath of life that I was missing, and something I'll never take for granted again.

Happiness is overflowing from me... I can't express it in words. Whatever crap I had to go through to get here was worth it. I'd go through a hundred gray and rainy days to have one sunny and colorful day like this. This is what makes life worth while. Hopefully, these are the days that I'll remember. Maybe someday I'll be able to forget the gray and rainy ones entirely.

Life In Boxes

2009-03-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

Well, that's it. Ten days from now and I'm out of here. I should feel more excited than I actually am. Let me explain.

I packed up the majority of my things this weekend so that I could focus on studying for finals (mainly my science one, actually) and not have to stress out about anything else. Turns out being surrounded by boxes and laying in a room that echos with every key stroke is about the most stressful situation to put yourself in. I think I'm having flash backs to the several moving experiences I had as a kid. My heart drops into my stomach just thinking about it. I don't want to consider it, even though I am going home and not to some unknown place this time. Anxiety is a funny thing.

I've recently had several experiences that have required me to rely more on God and less on myself. This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm going home with no job and no plan. For anyone who knows me at all, this is nothing short of catastrophe. It's hard to maintain hope in times like these.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to really start working on that guide book. I can't get it off my mind... is this some kind of sign?! Sometimes I wish someone would just smack me in the back of the head and go, "Hello! The answer is right in front of you!" I can be so blind.

Another ironic happening... as soon as I pack up my winter boots, we get another blizzard. What gives? Oh, how I long for Florida. Can't I just escape? Even music provides no relief these days.

For some time now I've depended on the prospects of the future. I could say, "Hey, you know what? Life sucks now but think about all the wonderful things in the future!" Recent events have destroyed the future I imagined for this summer. I'm not sure how to distract myself anymore. What is there to dream about? In the midst of all my realistic notions and compulsions to plan out every detail of my life, there is a dreamer lurking. But when the dreams are gone, what am I left with? Am I then forced to rely on the unknown or on the shadows of a brilliant past? 19 years old seems too young an age to lean on such thoughts.

I am terrified of coming home. I don't think I'm the same person that everyone knew. Well, for one, I'm heavier. There's no denying it. Embarrassing. But even more troubling is the fact that maybe I've spent too much time by myself. Sometimes I think I've forgotten how to be around people. I mostly keep to myself here (except at work for some odd reason). What if I go home and I'm so different that I just don't fit with "my people" anymore? Or worse, what if I find myself wanting to stay home and be alone instead of going back to living my old life? Do I even want that anymore? For most of my time here I defined myself by who I was and the life used to live. Now I'm not even sure I want it anymore. You know what I do want?

Disney. Palm trees. Beaches. No boxes. Please, no more boxes.

Is it possible that I've been living in a box for too long?

The Second American Revolution

2009-03-19T16:44:00.001-07:00

This just might be the greatest thing I've ever seen. It's exactly what we need. May the revolution begin!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeYscnFpEyA

Eat a grapefruit, buy some flip flops.

2009-03-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid today's post is going to be somewhat erratic. Sorry!

Is anyone as excited as I am about the revelation of Izzie's mystery illness on Grey's Anatomy tonight?! IT'S ABOUT TIME, SHONDA!!!! No one try to call me between 7 and 10 PM Mountain Time unless you are dying or in some kind of emotional crisis. There is no other excuse for Thursday night interruptions. It's dramedy night. Can't wait!!!!

The sun has been out four days in a row. Honestly, this has made my entire week. Time to pump up the tunes and pick out this summer's flip flop collection!! (Old Navy and Havaianas are the best. Definitely worth a solid investment. If there was flip-flop stock, this would be the way to go.) Maybe spring is closer than we thought. Stupid groundhog- what does he know anyways?!

It's been a good week for dieting, too. I've been good this week thanks to delicious citrus fruits. Be proud with me, please. After all, it's almost swimsuit season. Eat a grapefruit and tons of mandarins- I know I can't get enough of them! I'm impatiently waiting for watermelons to start showing up at the grocery store. They will definitely be a staple in my pantry this summer.

Making decisions sucks. Just sayin'.

Anyone see last night's Top Model? Fo (yes, that's her name) seriously needs to get her head on straight. They cut off all her hair and now she looks FIERCE. If I looked that good, I think I'd start walking around with a mirror glued in front of my face. For real. Thank goodness they kicked off the Puerto Rican girl. She was WAY too obsessed with herself. She was driving me nuts with narcissism. Thank goodness Tyra got rid of her. Now if they would only kick off that girl from Africa... what's up with her anyways???? She'll be gone soon. Tyra isn't going to put up with her attitude. It's going to destroy her chances. Right now, I'm absolutely LOVING Celia. She looked absolutely amazing at judging last night. Amazing enough to maybe get me to invest in one of those faux-fur vests. She's the most mature of them all, the most talented, and the most serious. GO CELIA!!!! Don't let me down, girl.

I love penguins. I love going to the aquarium in Chicago and just watching the penguins. Next time I'm home I'm definitely going down to the Shedd and saying hello to my southern friends.

My friend Ian does this amazing impression of the king lemur from Madagascar. The reason I bring this up is because I'm sitting in science (paying perfect attention, of course) and we're talking about primates. As Brother Holyoak went through various pictures of them, a lemur eventually showed up and it made me think of Ian's impression. One of the funniest things I've ever seen. If you've never seen it... you have not truly lived.

Did you know that you can download the song from the new Geico commercials for free?! Yup. It's true. It's called "Somebody's Watching Me" and you can get it on the Geico website. I'm obsessed with this song. Download NOW.

While we're on the topic of music.... what do you guys think of the new U2 cd? Personally, I'm in love. It's my first U2 cd- I'm officially converted. I'm going to start building my U2 collection stat. Also, download the soundtracks from the movies "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and "Once." "Confessions" is a great dance music compilation- an awesome mood booster! Natasha Bedingfield's "Again" on this album is absolutely beautiful. (Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE her? Download her album "Pocket Full of Sunshine." It's catchy and the lyrics are lovely.) "Once" is gorgeous. Definitely one of the best albums I've ever invested in. If you love a good folky/acousticy album, this one is for you. I'm absolutely ADORING Marketa Irglova's soft Irish accent on the track "If You Want Me." "Falling Slowly" and the title track "Once" are also extremely moving. There's something inspired about this album. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPbC2YrUUsI

What's up with the world? How could Flo Rida's "Right Round" be the number one downloaded song??? It's a remake, people! Not even a very good one!!! It's things like this that I find to be truly tragic. No wonder 1 out of 5 Americans can't find the USA on the map. We're spending our time giving money to untalented bafoons like Flo Rida instead of oh, I don't know, showing our children a map every once in a while. Don't even get me started on Kanye West.

Shame on you, Chris Brown. As I contemplate what type of punishment I'd render to him if I were on his jury, I think a good path of action would be to go all Princess Bride up on him. To the pain, Chris! First your feet, then your hands and your nose. Next your left eye and then your right. You'll keep your ears though, as to hear all the screaming children who have the unfortunate experience of walking within your pathetic presence. Then perhaps we'll take a line from What Happens In Vegas. "You know why!!!!" Sounds effective and fair to me.

Do you think it's possible to have "chronic dissatisfaction" as Penelope Cruz so states in the amazing Vicky Cristina Barcelona? Sometimes I wonder if I am ailing from this. Hm.

Work hard today or look for work tomorrow.

I just looked down at the newspaper that's lying next to my computer. There's an ad that says "The best things in life are free." ARE they, though? I mean, the free song of the week on iTunes is never the best. I'm always let down by its mediocrity. Not worth the space in my iTunes library, for sure.

If you're looking for something inspiring and thought provoking to read, check out Jason Mraz's journal on www.jasonmraz.com. Read it. Love it. Live it.

Make art.

Have wonderful dreams of palm trees, calm beaches and marimbas playing in the background. Love life, love yourself.

Much to be thankful for

2009-03-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

These last seven months have not been the easiest, for sure. There's no denying it. You name it, it's probably happened to me. Between family troubles, leaving home, sudden and drastic weight gain, loneliness, Brian being in another country, my own body literally rejecting itself, lack of money, and other various issues.... it's easy to see why it's often too common for me to just sink into a "Why me?" type of attitude. I often moped around in cloud of self-pity, denying myself any opportunity to potentially be happy.

Today's topic is that of gratitude. Even though I have had to deal with many difficult trials, I'm starting to realize that I should be grateful for them. Even though things are not perfect, all is not lost. I still have TONS of things to be grateful for, and these trials have only given me more opportunities to be happy and thankful. They may seem stupid and trivial, but they are the things that keep me going.

1. Yesterday, the sun shone all day long. As I was (im)patiently waiting for Brian's news, I noticed that the sky was clear and the sun was out- a rare occasion in Idaho. I actually enjoyed my walk to class yesterday and basked in the happy light that surrounded me. God must have known I would need the extra boost- it was a very draining day. The presence of the sun kept me sane enough to get everything done.

2. I can even say that on some levels I am grateful that Brian spent the last three months in Mexico. I missed him, but it gave him a great opportunity to really focus on preparing for his mission. I think he grew spiritually while he was away. It also gave us an opportunity to practice communicating without seeing or hearing each other. I had to make a greater effort to really be able to express myself through words- something we both will have to rely on while he's on his mission. I'm glad to develop these skills now and not later.

3. Even though we are still recovering, I think the family troubles we've had to face over the last few months have been a blessing on multiple levels. Because of it, I now have a real relationship with both of my parents. My parents are happier. The lines of communication in our family have opened up. It's been a great blessing, and it's something I've really needed in these difficult times.

4. I'm grateful that my gall bladder failed. It caused me a great deal of pain and discomfort for the last three months, but because of it, my mom was able to come out and be with me during and after the surgery. We grew much closer while she was here. It was incredible. She really brought me back to life- I was struggling and her visit lifted my spirits. I'm also grateful for the surgery- the recovery pain is a small price to pay for feeling this much better. Every time I eat, I don't get sick! I am able to digest normally for the first time in over two months! It's truly amazing. Just eating a plain banana makes me happy because I don't feel sick afterward. I definitely don't take health for granted anymore. I have the motivation I needed to take better care of my body now.

5. Not having money generally sucks, but it has been a blessing in some forms. I'm learning to budget and live with little. It's not always easy, but learning these habits will help me run my family in the future. It's helping me develop frugal habits.

6. I'm grateful for the loneliness. Yup. I've really had to take time to evaluate myself and focus on my schooling. My grades are great because I've been given plenty of time to focus on school.

That's just some of it... the major stuff anyways. But it has been the small things that have kept me going. The sunshine, a friendly note or chat with a roommate, a good hair day, new lotion, a phone call from home, a particularly sweet mandarin orange... the things we don't really think about. Right now, I'm grateful for Kaylie baking banana bread in our kitchen. She makes it every week and I think it's just so sweet of her. I love the smell (and the taste!), and her kind notion to spend her time doing this for us.

It's going to be another good day.

Take Five Minutes...

2009-03-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

Something that I've begun to notice in my life over the past few months is that doing my hair and makeup can make a crappy day into a good day, almost instantaneously. If you can look in the mirror and say, "You know what? I look pretty good today," then you can almost guarantee that the rest of the day will be fairly decent. I know that some days, I really struggle with laziness and have to force myself to get out of bed in enough time to really do my hair, but it's always worth it in the end. Just blow drying it makes me feel good.

Last semester, I rarely did my hair. Most of the time I'd just brush it and let it air-dry. Just by looking at me you could tell that I didn't care about how I looked and that I hadn't spent any time on myself. You could tell that I was unhappy. I know this seems like a very shallow topic, but let's just discuss it for a little bit and maybe we can understand each other.

I believe that it's important to do something nice for yourself every day. Whether it be going on a run, calling a friend on the phone, going for a pedicure, writing in your journal... whatever. It's important for all of us to just indulge in ourselves a little bit every day. Take five minutes to just do a little something to lift our spirits and keep that self-esteem up. Even wearing a cute outfit or buying some amazing new shoes can turn a bad day into a good one. If you're having a "fat day," curling your hair can really make a big difference in how you feel about yourself. I know that I have done this on multiple occasions.

I also know that when you let these things go, it can make for a lot of really bad days. If we give up those little things that make us feel good about ourselves or if we stop doing something nice for ourselves every day, it's really hard to feel content with who we are and what we're doing. I have experimented with this idea. One week, I just stopped doing my hair, stopped exercising, stopped writing in my journal, etc... it was a bad week, to say the least. It was that much more difficult to be happy and content. I even had trouble sleeping! The next week, I made it a point to at least blow dry my hair, write in my journal, call friends, and run every day. What a difference it made! Even my counselor noticed that something was different- I was HAPPY! Nothing else in my life had changed- same problems, same worries. The only thing different was that I was taking a little bit of time for just me every day. It's truly remarkable how much of a difference it made.

So, I encourage all of you to take at least five minutes for yourself every day this week! Try out my theory! I PROMISE you'll see a difference. And it doesn't have to be the same things I did... just find a couple things that you enjoy doing, a couple things that make YOU happy. Scrapbooking, cooking, reading, exercising, playing solitaire... whatever. Just do SOMETHING. Then, come back and tell me how it worked out! Have a happy week!

Sensible and Frivolous

2009-03-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

What's wrong with me?! Help me out guys. Seriously.

I just feel like I'm not sure what I want anymore. I feel like on one side, there's all these things that I half-want, that I know I should do. On the other hand, there are all these things that I want passionately, but seem frivolous and irresponsible. I feel like I'm this split person. One half of me is highly sensible and straight forward. She wants a stable job, house in the suburbs, IKEA furniture, and a retirement plan. The other half wants to just drop everything and leave. Go live in another country and live simply. Leave all these generic concerns behind. Pursue the things I truly love, but make no sense to the Sensible Katey. Frivolous Katey is starting to take serious hold of my thoughts. I can't shake her off, and I can't suppress her like I have been able to in the past. It's making me more and more restless and unhappy every day. I feel like I'm stuck in this life that I hate and I can't escape it. All these dreams are looming right ahead of me, out of reach. Are these thoughts what I really want? Is it stupid to want them? Is it stupid to indulge in them? Is it possible to serve both Katey's? Can I be Sensible and Frivolous?

Katey McGregor’s List of Things To Do In Life

1. Work at Disney World
2. Spend a summer living in Europe
3. Learn to play the ukulele
4. Learn to play the guitar
5. Write a song
6. Live on an island
7. Work on a cruise ship
8. Live in a city (Chicago, New York, London, etc.)
9. Own a house/condo on a beach
10. Lose 45 pounds, and keep it off.
11. Learn to love running, and do it at least five days a week
12. Learn to include the proper amount of fruits and veggies into my diet every day
13. Write something at least once a week. Blog, journal entry, story, etc.
14. Learn how to save money.
15. Include serious scripture study in my daily routine. Really ponder.
16. Learn Spanish
17. Learn to love the outdoors.
18. Do something to make myself happy every day.
19. Learn to control my anger. Love those that make me angry.
20. Take more pictures. For artistic and sentimental reasons.
21. Go to graduate school and get a doctorate degree.
22. Get married. Stay happily married. Stay open with my spouse.
23. Be more adventurous and daring in the things I wear. Wear what I want.
24. Buy a nice camera. An old-fashioned film camera so I can develop my own pictures.
25. Learn to be happy with having little.
26. Study abroad.
27. Learn to be comfortable with being on my own.
28. Travel alone. Love it.
29. Learn to be comfortable with the way I look. Love the “natural” me.
30. Learn to salsa dance.
31. Read something everyday.
32. Learn something new everyday that isn’t school related.
33. Make sure my family knows I love them- every day.
34. Do something nice for someone else every day.
35. Make sure I always include God when making decisions.

Precious Gems Gleaned From Home Improvement Reruns

2009-02-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

In one of today's episodes of Home Improvement (the one where the Granite Guy kisses Jill), Jill said something interesting that sparked my interest. She said, "How honest should someone be in a relationship?" and Wilson replied, "I believe in total honesty, but then again, I haven't had a serious relationship in over 20 years." And I found this topic to be kind of funny (weird funny not funny ha-ha) because Brian and I were having a conversation like this just last night.

The question he asked me was say I were to become enormously overweight- hypothetically of course. How would I want him to approach the issue? Or would I want him to approach it at all? My immediate response was, "HECK NO. Don't ever say anything to me about it." But upon further consideration, I decided that maybe I WOULD want him to say something to me. It would hurt, but should I let my insecurities affect the relationship and our stream of communication? If he feels that he can't be totally open with me or vice versa, then how can we maintain a healthy relationship?

On the other hand, can being totally open hurt the relationship? This is where it gets tricky. While I would like to be able to say that I'm a perfect person, I'm not, and such a comment would probably kill me no matter who said it. And coming from Brian... I'm pretty sure I'd go into cardiac arrest. I'm like 87% sure. So what do we serve? Honesty or feelings? Do we take the risk of hurting someone else for the sake of honesty, or do we keep our mouths shut and take the safe route, keeping the relationship intact?

I am not trying to make a case for dishonesty or lies. Absolutely not. What I'm considering more is silence. Is silence deadly? Are we committing relationship homicide when we choose to say nothing? Or are we pulling the trigger when we choose to say everything? What is the right choice?

In my observations of several different types of relationships (of which shall remain anonymous), I have found each of these choices to be equally poisonous. I have seen relationships where there is a totally open stream of communication. In a lot of ways, this was the kiss of death. I've seen how saying something about every teensy thing that bothers you can only hurt the relationship. In the end, it changes nothing. It only creates tension and rebellion. In other ways this openness has helped nurture a healthy friendship and loving relationship.

Can a relationship really recover from such a blow? From my observations... it can't.

On the other hand, can a relationship survive without its participants being able to freely speak?

What are your thoughts? Any advice or personal experience?

"Though I fall through glass, I am higher than ever. And I'm reaching the sky and I'm holding on." - Bushwalla, "Fall Through Glass"

Definitions, Justice, and Mercy

2009-02-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've caved. I'm officially a "blogger." I don't even know why. I feel like somewhat of a narcissist by starting one, though. Not necessarily a good thing, I'd venture. But hey- who knows where this whole thing will lead me?

Today's first topic is definitions. It's something I've been considering for a while, and what better forum than a blog to discuss such a thing? More specifically, I have been considering what it is that defines us as individuals. What drives us to define ourselves? Why do we feel we must be defined within society? What specific elements define us? Is such definition self-imposed, or is it placed upon us by others? Is definition necessary to our self-confidence?

In high school, I was pretty self-assured. My confidence was high and I was happy nearly every day. I had lots of things to do every day and was surrounded by people I loved, people who loved me back. I was in control of my life and knew exactly what I wanted and where I was headed. I was under the impression that this kind of life-style would follow me into college. I was convinced that the person I was would be the same person I would be when I came to BYU-Idaho. I thought that things would be equally as good, if not better. I was so grateful to have self-confidence developed long before I left the nest. I figured it would make the transition much easier. Boy, was I wrong.

For some reason, coming to college totally wiped out who I was. That girl has completely disappeared, vacated the scene. In the beginning, accepting this fact was somewhat difficult. After all, I had lost everything I knew, including myself. I began to wonder, why? Why have I lost myself? Why has this change in location caused me to totally change everything that I was?

I slowly started to realize that maybe I hadn't been as self-assured as I thought I was. Maybe I hadn't been so self-sustaining. I began to realize that I had been defining myself by the people I was around, by the things that I did, and the life I lead. I didn't define myself by the person I had become or by the things I believed. I had subconsciously depended on other people to remind me of who I was and the reasons I should be happy. I didn't learn how to be happy with just myself.

But why are we driven to define ourselves? Why must we know "exactly who we are?" I suppose that we must know such things because once we are literally on our own and by ourselves, we are forced to be in our own heads 100% of the time. We have to be happy with what's up in there, or life becomes excruciatingly hard. We have to like the person we have become. Did I honestly like myself? Yes, I did. I do. But I think I got sick of myself... I needed outside input. Distractions. Is it normal to be sick of yourself? Bored? Probably. That's why we make friends. Because we're bored with ourselves. Friends make things a lot more interesting. And for me, apparently I need them in order to feel happy. Is everyone that way?

Further, why do we try to define ourselves within society? Why must we be constantly craving the approval of others? I thought I had moved beyond this petty behavior... obviously not. I am (not so) proud to say that the lack of approval of some people here at school has eaten away at me since my arrival. I'm not sure I even did anything specific to earn such disapproval, but for whatever reason, it's there. Shoved in my face every day. So combined with the whole "sick of myself" thing and the whole "disapproval" thing... this has turned into one heck of a few months.

Moving on...

It's amazing how something so small as flowers can brighten your whole weekend. No matter what crap was thrown at you during the week, just glancing at them can change every thing, even if just for a minute.

It's also amazing how having your health compromised can make everything else kind of suck.

I had an interesting debate with a few people today. I think the main question of the debate was, "Is it ok to break the law in order to build a better life for your family?" I say no, but I was met with an army of opposition. For such a situation, I was reminded of a movie character. Please don't laugh.

In Spider-Man 3, we are given the Sandman, who resorts to robbery to pay for medical help to save his dying daughter. While I'm sure everyone in the audience felt sympathy towards his character, the fact remains that his choices were illegal number one, and number two they negatively affected thousands of law-abiding citizens. Clearly, what he did was wrong. But was it excusable in any form? My brain says absolutely not. My heart says... maybe.

So in the case of illegal immigration, what is right? My brain says that it is absolutely wrong, and that people who break the law are subject to the consequences of those choices. My heart says that they were trying to help their families. But should we excuse those choices because of intent? Where is the balance of justice and mercy? Justice seems to rule my opinion much more than mercy.

I am all for immigration. The more the merrier, I say. But only if it's done the right way. I have witnessed first hand how doing it the wrong way can tear lives apart. Doing it the wrong way negatively affects so many people: the immigrants, their families, friends, and tax-paying citizens. Part of my beliefs as a Latter-Day Saint is that we are obligated to follow the laws of land we occupy. No matter what country we are in, we are obligated to follow their laws and obey their leaders. It's called a social contract. When you step on another country's soil, you obey their laws. By immigrating illegally, it not only breaks the law, but it also breaks a commandment. However, these people do not come here with the intention of breaking the rules. I believe that the majority of them are here to build better lives. Everyone has a right to do that, but in the right and legal way.

Regardless of intent, it's still illegal. It's still wrong. And the fact of the matter is that in the end, that's what it comes down to. Justice must be served to protect the rights and freedoms we as Americans keep enjoying. If we start to bend the rules and start to see carrying out the consequences of law breaking as an "option," then that principle must be applied to any other crime. If we do not uphold the law in all areas, then it cannot be upheld in any area. Just as in life and religion, we cannot choose the consequences of our actions, and they must always be served.

So where is the pull and tug here? We are required as human beings to show mercy to all men, but justice must also be served if we expect to keep enjoying the privileges that come with living in this country.

My conclusion? Number one, don't break the law and there is no problem. However, in a case such as this, I say, yes, the consequences of breaking the law must be served, but maybe it shouldn't be so hard to become a citizen here. Maybe our borders should be more open to those who want to come here and build better lives. Maybe it shouldn't be so expensive and time-consuming. Maybe mercy should be extended in this area, and justice be extended to those who disregard the law.

What are your thoughts? Mercy, or justice?

Oh, and as a side note, if you haven't seen Alec Baldwin's Hulu commercial, you can do so here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m71m-LBqFQ

Alec Baldwin rules all.